she just didn’t seem to fit in (as if I’d know…). I have prayed for forgiveness for 58 years for the way I treated that girl. I often pray that God had let that foreign girl have a future filled with success and that my hurtful actions didn’t cause her continuing pain. Fifty-eight years of asking for forgiveness. Had I been Lot’s wife, I would have turned into a pillar of salt and blown away in life’s breezes a long time ago. But, I mentally moved on down the road, only to return to that same prayer over and over and over again.
Why, oh, why do I continue to look back as Lot’s wife did, reliving every detail, praying once again for forgiveness and healing? After retiring from what had been considered a successful teaching career, I returned to my old school the next Fall to teach for a trimester for a friend who was having a baby. It was a horrible experience: the principal seemed to begin questioning and criticizing my teaching, which he had earlier only praised. I learned several months into that substitute experience that a group of parents had been using me as fodder in their gossipy social gatherings, and the principal’s wife was one of the participants (even though she had no child in my room). I was deeply shocked and hurt. Even though one of the ringleaders in this bashing apologized and admitted that their perceptions had been wrong, it has negatively colored recollections of my entire career. For ten years, I’ve gone over and over my time with former students, questioning every lesson and interaction, praying to God that if I had caused any harm to any student that He might heal them.
Why, oh, why do I continue to look back, reliving every detail, praying once again for forgiveness and healing? One of the lessons I’ve learned from writing this blog was that I have been conflating an actual sin I’d committed with a sin that was committed against me. By combining them, it increased the weight on my shoulders. It’s time to rightly separate them in the hopes that I might end this cycle of wash-rinse-repeat. Jesus did not condemn the woman caught in adultery, but only told her to go and sin no more. And, then when Jesus spoke to the people at Mount of Olives again, He said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” Well, I DO follow Him, and I DO believe in Him, so I have tried mightily to not repeat the sin of hurting others. I have tried very hard to keep walking in His light. As to the sins committed against me, every time we recite the Lord’s prayer we ask Our Father, who art in heaven, to not only forgive us our trespasses, but also to forgive those who trespass against us. Oh, my, apparently, I haven’t listened very well as I recited that prayer. I will change my prayer when these recollections resurface (as surely they will) to ask God to help me forgive those who have sinned against me. Let me try to breathe a bit easier with comfort from these words:
Or, perhaps these words by Ralph Waldo Emerson will help end this cycle for me, “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety. Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”
Your friend in Christ,
Emily
6 Comments
Katherinewallenhaupt
8/1/2023 04:11:53 pm
Here is my revelation regarding past mistakes.
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Carolyn Keefer
8/1/2023 07:03:28 pm
Oh Emily ~ Thank you for sharing your story......one that all of us can identify with, especially in our youth. However, I had to laugh a bit because knowing you now I can't imagine an unkind word or act ever coming from you!
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Sue
8/2/2023 07:55:48 am
Your humble, transparent plain speak is a true and helpful inspiration. Thank you!
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Emily Rogers
8/3/2023 07:10:47 am
Some blog topics are more difficult to get out on paper, but in poring through scripture, I’m aided in confronting them. Thanks for all your comments.
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Cheryl Marcheso
8/3/2023 08:41:41 am
I was truly inspired by your confession and it truly is a blessing to me to know you. Thank you for sharing.
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Heather Bell
8/3/2023 09:07:54 am
Thank you for addressing this issue of how difficult it can be for us to accept God’s forgiveness and release our guilty feelings. I think many of us suffer these spiritual attacks. I don’t think we’ve been taught the art of self forgiveness…
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