Again and Again and Again

I still remember the hurt and pain in the girl’s face as she finally turned around in her bus seat to look at us, telling us to leave her alone. I was an obnoxious middle-school student, trying to make a new friend with my seatmate on the bus. She began teasing the Chinese student seated in front of us, so I joined in, thinking that perhaps I’d win the friendship of my seatmate. The Chinese student’s clothes were not in fashion, her hair was very dirty,

Emily Rogers

she just didn’t seem to fit in (as if I’d know…). I have prayed for forgiveness for 58 years for the way I treated that girl. I often pray that God had let that foreign girl have a future filled with success and that my hurtful actions didn’t cause her continuing pain.

Fifty-eight years of asking for forgiveness. Had I been Lot’s wife, I would have turned into a pillar of salt and blown away in life’s breezes a long time ago. But, I mentally moved on down the road, only to return to that same prayer over and over and over again.

Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. Acts 2:38
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Why, oh, why do I continue to look back as Lot’s wife did, reliving every detail, praying once again for forgiveness and healing?
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After retiring from what had been considered a successful teaching career, I returned to my old school the next Fall to teach for a trimester for a friend who was having a baby. It was a horrible experience: the principal seemed to begin questioning and criticizing my teaching, which he had earlier only praised. I learned several months into that substitute experience that a group of parents had been using me as fodder in their gossipy social gatherings, and the principal’s wife was one of the participants (even though she had no child in my room). I was deeply shocked and hurt. Even though one of the ringleaders in this bashing apologized and admitted that their perceptions had been wrong, it has negatively colored recollections of my entire career. For ten years, I’ve gone over and over my time with former students, questioning every lesson and interaction, praying to God that if I had caused any harm to any student that He might heal them.
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The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18
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Why, oh, why do I continue to look back, reliving every detail, praying once again for forgiveness and healing?

One of the lessons I’ve learned from writing this blog was that I have been conflating an actual sin I’d committed with a sin that was committed against me. By combining them, it increased the weight on my shoulders. It’s time to rightly separate them in the hopes that I might end this cycle of wash-rinse-repeat.

Jesus did not condemn the woman caught in adultery, but only told her to go and sin no more. And, then when Jesus spoke to the people at Mount of Olives again, He said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” Well, I DO follow Him, and I DO believe in Him, so I have tried mightily to not repeat the sin of hurting others. I have tried very hard to keep walking in His light.

As to the sins committed against me, every time we recite the Lord’s prayer we ask Our Father, who art in heaven, to not only forgive us our trespasses, but also to forgive those who trespass against us. Oh, my, apparently, I haven’t listened very well as I recited that prayer. I will change my prayer when these recollections resurface (as surely they will) to ask God to help me forgive those who have sinned against me.
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Let me try to breathe a bit easier with comfort from these words:
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I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. Ezekiel 36:26

Or, perhaps these words by Ralph Waldo Emerson will help end this cycle for me, “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety. Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”
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Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
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Your friend in Christ,
Emily